Player Profiles

Ladies & Gents,

Big news is that we are still 4 points clear at the top of the table with only 2 games left so promotion has been clinched and one more victory and top spot in the league will also be ours. Onto Division 5 we go!

For all you people back home who may or may not be part of Skidmarks SA, I thought you might like to meet your overseas counter-parts. So here is a quick run down of our stalwarts....

May I introduce you to the playing staff of The Skidmarks UK!


Name: Iain Congdon
Nickname: Pedro / Zips / Jevan Malan
Position: All round Athlete - backbone of the team
Attributes: Looking good, Moaning, Bitching at the ref & abusing members of the opposing team – occasionally Cruyff turns & nutmegs keeper
Likes: Moaning, Bitching & abusing the other team
Dislikes: Lack of effort, pansy (girly) tackling
Aspirations: To win the golden ratio - or if possible see Luke lose
Why I came a Skidmark: To teach the Springboks how to play football
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Mike "The Reason" Herb


Name: Luke Hatfield
Nickname: Ginja Ninja / God
Position: Coach / Manager / Star Player
Attributes: Organising the team on a weekly basis, trying to collect money for every game, using my large shoulders to carry the team on a weekly basis from victory to victory.
Likes: Scoring, winning the Golden Skidmark, Toe pokes, watching West Ham do a Leeds & get relegated, watching Gary "Fat Bum" Hatfield trying to do pirouettes and his "new trick"
Dislikes: The Golden Ratio
Aspirations: The win the Golden Skidmark, finish the league unbeaten and get promoted every year until Division 1....oh and watch Iain fail miserably in an attempt to win the Golden Ratio award he created so he could win something
Why I came a Skidmark: To carry on the legacy created many moons ago back home on African soil, the home of football...

Name: Paul Mulvey
Nickname: Penelope Pitstop
Position: Goalkeeper
Attributes: Major contributor for the team being good looking. Nice gloves and bright socks
Likes: Red carpet rolled out from my vespa to the pitch with rose petals thrown just before my every step.
Dislikes: Players pissing in my helmet if I let a goal in.
Aspirations: Getting Players Player award and Most travelled around Liverpool Street to Game Award. Also at end of season being held up on team mates shoulders and carried around Trafalgar Square while everyone chants 'Mulvey Mulvey'
Why I came a Skidmark: To fulfil my dream; Standing in a D shape for half an hour a week
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Brendan "Mad Dogg" McNiven of course

Name: James Furniss
Nickname: Sheep Shagger / Bruce
Position: Striking defender
Attributes: Sets up the most goals in the team, actually stays in defense (well most of the time anyway)
Likes: Cold beer (not this warm English crap), listening to Waltzing Matilda at least once a day, getting away with dodgy tackles
Dislikes: Goalhangers (Gary/Luke), getting into a good shooting position only to completely miss the goal, astroturf burns
Aspirations: To one day be in possession of the Golden Skidmark or to kick 10 goals in one game then retire, so I win the Golden Ratio. (We can always dream...)
Why I came a Skidmark: To bring some Australian class to the team and to pay £ 7 to run around for 15 minutes or less
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Our pet sheep mascot

Name: Benjamin "America...Fuck Yeah!" Goeltz
Nickname: USA USA
Position: Left Right Out
Attributes: best accent on team, hits the post more times than a mailman, and a strict believer that 1-goal-a-game is the perfect ratio (hence the frequency of hitting the post).
Likes: hearing opponents whine at no-calls, Mulvey's reverse-through-the-legs roll-outs, left foot likes hitting footballs as hard as it can.
Dislikes: any non-American accent - who taught them to speak American, anyways?
Aspirations: hitting both posts and the crossbar in a single attempt on goal...it's bound to happen at some point.
Why I came a Skid mark: To fulfill my dream; ridding the team of ear-damaging accents.
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Bruce "The Matrix" Anderson

Name: Ted Cowan
Nickname: Stretch / El Spaniardo
Position: Defender
Attributes: Has chicken legs, runs around like a headless chicken but
doesn't chicken out of tackles. Is better looking than Paul Mulvey.
Likes: Salma Hayek and pre-baby/pre-marriage Jennifer Garner.
Oh right you meant football-body checking opponents off the ball in true
basketball style. Last ditch tackles that make me look heroic. Laughing at
Iain when he loses his rag., Making rubbish back passes to Mulves that the
opposition intercept 'cos he has to get some practise sometime.
Dislikes: Shooting. Defending with Gary. Trying to control a football. Running while trying to control a football. Then doing all of the above, but using my
right foot. Gary taking the ball off my toes when I'm about to shoot.It's
understandable but it still pisses me off.
Aspirations: To shag Salma Hayek and the pre-baby/pre-marriage Jennifer Garner.
Preferably together. To be able to rediscover my long lost footballing skills. To smash the dirty
team we played a few weeks ago (we won that one in case you're wondering).
To score a few more goals this season. To get Luke "Evil Eye" Hatfield to
smile during a game.Oh yeah, and Iain "Mad Dog" Congdon too. To see Mulves
play out of goal for a while.
Why I became a Skidmark: I've been doing skidmarks for so many years I
thought I should find out what it's like to be one.
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Peter "The Old Guy" Dunias

Name: Gary "Goal Hanger" Hatfield
Position: Supa Strika
Nickname : Fat Bum / Blagger / Blaggsville / The Incredible Blag
Attributes: Worst tackler in team, speed of a cat, reflexes of a mongoose, a step over thats quicker than one of Teds relationships.
Likes: Cynical tackles on opponents, shouting at refs, scoring goals.
Dislikes: Defending, Iains questionable subbing techniques, late kick-offs.
Aspirations: To win the treble : the golden skidmark, the golden ratio, and the league trophy.
Why I came a Skid mark: Saw it as my chance to make a difference in the world, I did it for the fans, plus I thought the fame would make me desirable to women, but alas . . .

Rob "Chopper" Bridgens was not available for comment....

London Blog is falling down

Its been a long time....shouldn't' a left you!

But we're back....from outer space!

Yes ladies and gentlement without much further adieu....i introduce to you a new era of Skidmarks blog!

9 weeks ago The Skidmarks UK was born, and with so much tradition to live up to, the pressure was enormous, and the question remained, could this new breed of Skidmark live up to the current legacy which is The Skidmarks. Well read for yourself and you be the judge.

So 9 games into the season, 8 victories, 1 draw, 59 goals scored, 12 conceded, current league position, first. That record speaks for itself really, yes we may have started in the bottom of the 6 divisions that form Powerleague - London City. But we decided to start at the bottom and climb the leagues quicker than one of Garys stepovers!

Please see below a copy of the current league table as well as the Golden Skidmark standings, also included for your viewing pleasure is the current Skidmarks SA league table and a match report by our very own Iain "Master of the Cruyff turn" Congdon, which is not at all subjective or biased. As well as his contribution to the match report he has decided to introduce something called "The Golden Ratio", which is a goals per game calculation, this is due to the fact that he was labelled sicknote at the beginning of the season and missed a couple games. Still God loves a trier.

I have just been informed by top defender, Ted "mishit" Cowan, and scorer of as many goals as Peter "Can't shoot" Dunias that he has written a season summary thus far, so watch this space.

Golden Skidmark

1) Gary "Spanky G" Hatfield - 17
2) Luke "Ginja Ninja" Hatfield - 16
3) Iain "Sicknote" Congdon - 13
4) Ben "The Yank" Goeltz - 7
5) James "Sheep shagger" Furniss - 4
6) Edward "Like the Greek" Cowan - 1
7) Joe "Gooner" Healey - 1

A short introduction as possibly a picture of the current team will also be posted shortly so who know you are reading about.

Alright, time for me to bid you farewell and hope you have enjoyed the return of The Skidmarks Blog. I will now pass you onto Iain "He's no Roald Dahl" Congdon, for last weeks match report.

"

The Skidmarks vs Nightingale House – March 1st

“The Story of the Freekick”

Result : 8 – 1

Confidence was high amongst our team of footballing heroes for the latest instalment of their relentless pursuit towards the league title and the impending fame & glory that it carries with it (drink, drugs, girls, sex, the downward spiral of a kiss & tell and then the dizzy highs of celebrity love island).

The match started slowly with your Heroes on the backfoot having to resort to tactics dirtier than a Ron Jeremy movie and as entertaining as a Vin Diesel comedy (think the ‘Pacifer’ people – it wasn’t pretty). After some crucial/blatant fouls from Rob ‘chopper’ (& not in the sexual way) Bridgens & some less obvious fouls from James ‘what me ref, I never touched him’ Furniss, The Skidmarks started to gel and Gary ‘the predator’ or ‘goalhanger – I’m never seen in my own half’ Hatfield broke the deadlock with a sweet right foot strike.

This proved to galvanise the opposing team and some more scrappy football and staunch defence from The Skidmarks kept the score at 1-0, special mention has to go to our main man Paul “The Cat“ Mulvey in the sticks who its fair to say made a number of special saves (and I’m not talking ‘needs’) to maintain the goal advantage. And then it happened, a moment of magic that changed the whole complex and outlook of the game….

….think the swerve & bend of Roberto Carlos, think the power of John Arne Riise, think the accuracy of David Beckham, think the footballing brain of Ryan Giggs, think F*CKING BRILLIANT….

….and you’ll come close to all the attributes that were on show when Iain “unstoppable” Congdon stepped up and power placed a freekick into the top right hand corner of the net (keeper got a small touch but we’ll gloss over that). Its fair to say that the crowd literally gasped in amazement at the skill on show before breaking out in a crescendo of noise and chants of “Whoaaaaa Iain Congdon, I wana know ohhhhhh, how you scored that goal, whoaaaaaaa Iain Congdon I wana know ohhhhhh, how you scored that goal”.

Anyway moving on (I don’t want to harp on about the “freekick of the century” quote, Luke Hatfield, 01-03-2007, 9pm), the game restarted with a complete new outlook & The Skidmarks well on top. As the dynamic attack fronted by Gary “Goalhanger” Hatfield poured forward, numerous chances were created and spurned and halftime arrived with the score remaining 2-0.

Halftime involved the usual detailed tactical talks & motivational speeches from our leader Luke “Churchill (not the nodding dog)’” Hatfield and the team went out psyched up for the 2nd half. It should be noted that the opposing team could be heard spelling out their tactics for the 2nd half, which wholly involved kicking the crap out of The Skidmarks – the difference in class couldn’t have been more obvious.

The Skidmarks started the 2nd half as they finished the 1st and were soon ahead thanks to a captain’s goal from Luke “mardy bum(google it)” Hatfield, showing all the skill of Ronaldinho to slot the ball through the keepers legs and then all the sulkiness of Nicolas Anelka in his brooding celebration.

The match then continued in the similar vein with the free flowing football of The Skidmarks proving to hot for The Nightingales to handle – for those wanting a visual of the heat on show, think Denise Richards & Neve Campbell in Wild Things – you know what I’m talking about. Particular mentions should go to Ben “I’m out of the Golden Skidmark” Goeltz for some beautiful touches and instinct passes in the build up to many of The Skidmarks best moves, James “You flaming Galah” Furniss and Rob “The Wall” Bridgens for some inspired defence.

The fourth goal soon followed thanks to a move encompassing most members of the team, and finished thanks to an instinctive left foot strike in the corner from Iain “freekicks” Congdon. Soon after the hat-trick was completed with a cheeky nut-megged finish of the keeper and the match ball was his – or so he thought but this game had more twists & turns than a greased up bunch of Swedish women volleyball players on a twister board.

The goals were starting to flow now and the captain Hatfield chipped in with another beauty a sweet right foot strike, the boy knows the way to the back of the net. Then came something special, unexpected some might say but not to your author, as he’s recognised this boys dribbling skills in action before- although strangely only when fit girls talk to him and the saliva runs down his chin, but hey its all the same thing. James “Messi” Furniss picked the ball up in his own half and proceeded to beat 1 man, then 2 and then held off the challenge of a 3rd before coolly slotting the ball with his left foot Zidane style into the bottom right corner of the goal – its fair to say not all remember the goal that way but I prefer to edit out the bobbling shot at the end.

However The Skidmarks were starting to tire and some relentless pressure from the Nightingales finally led to a goal thanks to Paul “Moped” Mulvey fumbling more than a 35 year old virgin in a brothel and dropping the ball into his own net to make the score 7-1. In between that Paul “the cat” Mulvey made numerous top draw saves including 1 showing off all the flexibility of Jenna Jameson in………and I digress.

Then the twist in the tail, as Iain “hat-trick” Congdon had 2 hands on the match ball, Luke “the gaffer” Hatfield picked up a long ball from Paul “Penelope Pitstop” Mulvey and poked the ball through the advancing keepers legs to complete his hat-trick and share the match ball, capping a momentous 8-1 win.

Special shout outs go to those fans who stayed behind to serenade the team off to the tune of “Could It be Magic” – your author couldn’t think of a more fitting finale to a game.

By Iain Congdon

The Golden Ratio (goals per game)-doesn't count for anything except Iain's pride - Ginja Ninja

Gary – 1.89
Iain – 1.86
Luke – 1.78 (unlucky 3rd)
Ben – 1.14
Joe – 0.5
Ted – 0.13
James – 0.67
Mulvey – 0 (He’s a keeper)
Rob – 0 Nevermind!!

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