Player Profiles
Ladies & Gents,
Big news is that we are still 4 points clear at the top of the table with only 2 games left so promotion has been clinched and one more victory and top spot in the league will also be ours. Onto Division 5 we go!
For all you people back home who may or may not be part of Skidmarks SA, I thought you might like to meet your overseas counter-parts. So here is a quick run down of our stalwarts....
May I introduce you to the playing staff of The Skidmarks UK!
Name: Iain CongdonNickname: Pedro / Zips / Jevan Malan
Position: All round Athlete - backbone of the team
Attributes: Looking good, Moaning, Bitching at the ref & abusing members of the opposing team – occasionally Cruyff turns & nutmegs keeper
Likes: Moaning, Bitching & abusing the other team
Dislikes: Lack of effort, pansy (girly) tackling
Aspirations: To win the golden ratio - or if possible see Luke lose
Why I came a Skidmark: To teach the Springboks how to play football
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Mike "The Reason" Herb
Name: Luke HatfieldNickname: Ginja Ninja / God
Position: Coach / Manager / Star Player
Attributes: Organising the team on a weekly basis, trying to collect money for every game, using my large shoulders to carry the team on a weekly basis from victory to victory.
Likes: Scoring, winning the Golden Skidmark, Toe pokes, watching West Ham do a Leeds & get relegated, watching Gary "Fat Bum" Hatfield trying to do pirouettes and his "new trick"
Dislikes: The Golden Ratio
Aspirations: The win the Golden Skidmark, finish the league unbeaten and get promoted every year until Division 1....oh and watch Iain fail miserably in an attempt to win the Golden Ratio award he created so he could win something
Why I came a Skidmark: To carry on the legacy created many moons ago back home on African soil, the home of football...
Name: Paul MulveyNickname: Penelope Pitstop
Position: Goalkeeper
Attributes: Major contributor for the team being good looking. Nice gloves and bright socks
Likes: Red carpet rolled out from my vespa to the pitch with rose petals thrown just before my every step.
Dislikes: Players pissing in my helmet if I let a goal in.
Aspirations: Getting Players Player award and Most travelled around Liverpool Street to Game Award. Also at end of season being held up on team mates shoulders and carried around Trafalgar Square while everyone chants 'Mulvey Mulvey'
Why I came a Skidmark: To fulfil my dream; Standing in a D shape for half an hour a week
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Brendan "Mad Dogg" McNiven of course
Name: James FurnissNickname: Sheep Shagger / Bruce
Position: Striking defender
Attributes: Sets up the most goals in the team, actually stays in defense (well most of the time anyway)
Likes: Cold beer (not this warm English crap), listening to Waltzing Matilda at least once a day, getting away with dodgy tackles
Dislikes: Goalhangers (Gary/Luke), getting into a good shooting position only to completely miss the goal, astroturf burns
Aspirations: To one day be in possession of the Golden Skidmark or to kick 10 goals in one game then retire, so I win the Golden Ratio. (We can always dream...)
Why I came a Skidmark: To bring some Australian class to the team and to pay £ 7 to run around for 15 minutes or less
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Our pet sheep mascot
Name: Benjamin "America...Fuck Yeah!" GoeltzNickname: USA USA
Position: Left Right Out
Attributes: best accent on team, hits the post more times than a mailman, and a strict believer that 1-goal-a-game is the perfect ratio (hence the frequency of hitting the post).
Likes: hearing opponents whine at no-calls, Mulvey's reverse-through-the-legs roll-outs, left foot likes hitting footballs as hard as it can.
Dislikes: any non-American accent - who taught them to speak American, anyways?
Aspirations: hitting both posts and the crossbar in a single attempt on goal...it's bound to happen at some point.
Why I came a Skid mark: To fulfill my dream; ridding the team of ear-damaging accents.
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Bruce "The Matrix" Anderson
Name: Ted CowanNickname: Stretch / El Spaniardo
Position: Defender
Attributes: Has chicken legs, runs around like a headless chicken but
doesn't chicken out of tackles. Is better looking than Paul Mulvey.
Likes: Salma Hayek and pre-baby/pre-marriage Jennifer Garner.
Oh right you meant football-body checking opponents off the ball in true
basketball style. Last ditch tackles that make me look heroic. Laughing at
Iain when he loses his rag., Making rubbish back passes to Mulves that the
opposition intercept 'cos he has to get some practise sometime.
Dislikes: Shooting. Defending with Gary. Trying to control a football. Running while trying to control a football. Then doing all of the above, but using my
right foot. Gary taking the ball off my toes when I'm about to shoot.It's
understandable but it still pisses me off.
Aspirations: To shag Salma Hayek and the pre-baby/pre-marriage Jennifer Garner.
Preferably together. To be able to rediscover my long lost footballing skills. To smash the dirty
team we played a few weeks ago (we won that one in case you're wondering).
To score a few more goals this season. To get Luke "Evil Eye" Hatfield to
smile during a game.Oh yeah, and Iain "Mad Dog" Congdon too. To see Mulves
play out of goal for a while.
Why I became a Skidmark: I've been doing skidmarks for so many years I
thought I should find out what it's like to be one.
Skidmark SA player most similiar to: Peter "The Old Guy" Dunias
Name: Gary "Goal Hanger" HatfieldPosition: Supa Strika
Nickname : Fat Bum / Blagger / Blaggsville / The Incredible Blag
Attributes: Worst tackler in team, speed of a cat, reflexes of a mongoose, a step over thats quicker than one of Teds relationships.
Likes: Cynical tackles on opponents, shouting at refs, scoring goals.
Dislikes: Defending, Iains questionable subbing techniques, late kick-offs.
Aspirations: To win the treble : the golden skidmark, the golden ratio, and the league trophy.
Why I came a Skid mark: Saw it as my chance to make a difference in the world, I did it for the fans, plus I thought the fame would make me desirable to women, but alas . . .
Rob "Chopper" Bridgens was not available for comment....
posted by Luke Hatfield at 3:22 PM
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